Philippians 4:8

After sitting on my last post for a few days, and lifting it up in prayer, I decided to remove it. While it was from the heart, it was also from mostly a need to vent, and didn't leave me with the feeling of hope that I wanted to be left with.

Further, one of my favorite verses from the Bible keeps coming to mind, and I have often applied it closely to my life. "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." (Phillipians 4:8) And then St. Paul continues, "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Phillipians 4:9; emphasis my own) I think the one thing someone in any difficult time of life needs the most is peace - God's peace.

Applying the above verses to the way I felt in the last post (which, if you didn't catch it before I removed it, was about anger at people's justification and use of abortion and contraception in light of those of us cannot have children), I've realized that the best attitude towards the sin of others that directly affects me is one of surrendering the feelings and hurt to God and refocusing on the good. What good? Any good at all: the loveliness of my little daughters' hair and skin and eyes, the way my husband looks at me when I know I've dressed just right, the porch-side view of the Kansas prairie at sunset (a sight worth seeing!), the joy of the new goddaughter who's already stolen my heart, the comfort of my brother's familiar presence upstairs (he's our new farm intern this year). And, guess what...I smiled at every item I just listed. :o)

On another note, I am gearing myself up to call my doctor about getting a referral to an OBGYN, soon. Please pray for me to have the courage, and that I can be referred to the OB of my own choice, even if I have to pay everything out of pocket. Thank you for reading!

God's Peace be with you.



One of our lovely winter sunsets in 2012

My beautiful, sweet girls getting ready to play in the snow!

Baby Fever

One of my closest friends and favorite people ever gave birth to her first child last night! Her little daughter is very much a miracle, as her parents struggled for a long time to conceive, and suffered a devastating miscarriage before this little one came along. This sweet little bundle of joy is also mine and Kevin's goddaughter. And I am so anxious to see her face and hold her, I can hardly stand it! Baby Fever is in full swing...but I'm praising God for the safe delivery of this little miracle and the the well-being of her mother (and her daddy, of course), whom I love dearly.

It's funny: sometimes I, like many other women suffering from infertility (primary or secondary, it doesn't fully matter), get terribly downhearted when my friends, who married around the same time as me and Kevin, have their third or even fourth child, or even when anyone has a baby, and I sit with my empty womb beneath this aching heart; but other times, like this time, all I feel is joy. It's not just because this lovely friend is, well, my friend; nor is it just because she's gone through what I'm going through, and has come out with immense blessings on the other side; no...sometimes my own problems just don't matter in the light of the pure goodness and joy of love made manifest. It is, I've come to the conclusion, simply God's grace.

I'm so grateful.

Sometimes I feel horribly guilty when I get down about others having babies, but now, when I'm called to help bring this sweet little soul up in the faith, assisting her wonderful parents along the way, I don't have to worry about that guilt. The joy is intense.

Although, I have to add that so is my anxiousness to see her little newborn face! Her parents, who I suspect went through a very, very long labor, are likely both exhausted, and they have not yet posted pictures, and as they live in another state, I am at the mercy of technology to see her. Baby Fever is roaring away! Must. Leave. Them. Alone...Need. Rest. :o)

For now, I am going to go pray for them all. I'm sure they could use it, and I need to be needed where babies are concerned.

God bless you.

Mary

A New Reason to Write

I've often wondered why I always felt compelled to write, because I often felt I never had anything worth writing about. I often feel that anything I have to say has already been said. In prayer today, however, I've come to the decision that I should write on a certain topic that affects me in a very deep and painful way, both to ease my own heart and to reach out to many in my same position. Solidarity in suffering brings healing.

I have to make a confession, now: I am barren. I haven't always been that way; I have two beautiful children, who I now know are even more of a miracle than I first thought. Granted, it took me a long time to get pregnant with both of them (or, longer than I had anticipated, in any case), but it never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to have children after the first two came along. They have brought the deepest gratitude into my heart that I've ever experienced, especially in light of this apparent barrenness. I mentioned how this topic has affected me in a very deep and painful way, but I also want to point out that there is a certain blessedness that comes with it, too (more on that on another day).

My youngest daughter is now almost two and a half years old, and we have been trying to conceive for the latter year and a half of that time (with openness to conceiving before then). My youngest is now past the age her older sister was when the younger was born.

Now, I have another confession to make: I've been terrified of going to the doctor, to find out what reason there is for this "secondary infertility", as it's called. I keep waiting to hear about it being something permanent and unavoidable, and I'm very frightened of the finality of a prognosis like that.

I want to stress something here: I'm not giving up. I long to feel the stirrings of life within me again, hold a vulnerable, soft baby hand again, watch that little one sleep, perhaps do some things better this time around in my mothering (it's nice to know more about what you're doing the second or third time around). That longing spurs me on to turn this barrenness into fruitfulness. I have to be realistic about several things, though: 1) I don't know if I'm permanently infertile, temporarily infertile, or if the luck of the draw is just way, way off. Therefore, I've got to get to a doctor soon to find this out. 2) If I'm temporarily infertile, it might take more than I expect to make the infertility go away (and certain things are unacceptable as a Catholic). 3) If I'm permanently infertile, I can still turn this barrenness into fruitfulness. There are more kinds of fruitfulness in a married life than children...and I've seriously considered adoption.

There's lots more to think about, to write about, to discuss, and to discover. I'm on a journey now; perhaps "mission" is a better word. I don't know what is coming, but I want to trust God that He knows what He's doing, and there's a significant reason that this is happening. I pray He guides me to do His Will. It's time to get started. I ask that you bear with me, as I'm hoping this blog is a place to vent in a healing way, artistically if possible. :o)

I hope one day any potential readers of this blog will find my barrenness turned into fruitfulness.

May joy be in us all as we approach the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of our Blessed Lord. God be with you.

In Christ,
Mary